How I try to maintain calmness when I’m being pushed to my limits

Fathering autistic kids comes with some moments of extreme stress.  While most of the time my boys are perfectly sweet, there are other times where they both get elevated at the same time.  My daughter who wants to help gets involved, but she also has some sensory issues, so the noise and chaos impacts her as well.  What happens when all three of my kids need immediate one on one attention?  I do the best I can is all.  Staying calm at my brink has always been a struggle.  When it hits the fan, I become 100% reactionary.  This means I’m not thinking, I’m doing and sometimes in the doing my stress level rises uncontrollably.  I’ve had nights where it takes me hours to go to sleep because my body is so revved up from something that had happened earlier.  

How do I stay calm at my brink?  I’ve found a few tools that work for me.  These may not work for everyone but give them a shot.  I am not a therapist nor an expert.  I’m just a dad that gets stressed.  I’d have these issues even if my boys weren’t autistic, so I believe anyone can use these methods.

First, I find perspective.  I try to make myself understand that what is happening at this exact moment is going to pass.  No matter how bad it may seem, the stress, sadness, etc. will absolutely subside.  I lost my mother to cancer at 19, I had a 15-year marriage end in divorce, I’ve had to adjust my expectations of my family life due to fathering autistic kids.  The pain and stress of all these things subside with time and these were big life altering events.  So why would I get so bent out of shape about 30 minutes of chaos with my kids?  I shouldn’t, but our flight or fight mechanism kicks in.  Be sure to be conscious of exactly what is happening and put it in perspective.  It’s going to pass.

Next, when the dust settles, I take a few minutes to recenter myself.  This isn’t new age spiritualism.  It’s simply closing my eyes, focusing on my breath, and emptying my mind.  Apps such as Calm have lots of short meditations that can help with this.  The impact of that stress release is huge.  We only have so much stress we can deal with in our tanks before we start having negative repercussions.  The meditation helps to empty that tank some.

I find time to do something I like.  This can be super simple.  Maybe it’s simply watching a show I like or taking a quick soak in the hot tub.  Do this as soon as you can after the stressful event.  It’s simply about reminding yourself that life is good.

Remember that you have purpose.  It’s easy to get down on yourself and become a victim.  Life isn’t fair.  Everyone has a different set of cards they were dealt.  Stay off social media, people generally post their best selves and it’s easy to be jealous.  There is purpose in your situation and purpose in your life. Don’t compare yourself to others ever.

Finally, I pray.  Maybe you’re religious and maybe you’re not, but I believe when I pray, I feel better.  Giving my problems to a higher power helps to relieve me of those same problems.

Staying calm at my brink is hard.  I’m better at it now then I’ve ever been, but I’m not perfect.  I still get flustered and overwhelmed.  If I get overwhelmed, I’m not being the father to my kids I need to be, so I must deescalate myself.  The above things are what I do.  What do you do?