How I calm my autistic boys when a fit is happening or imminent
You’re in your house cooking dinner, suddenly, your autistic kid decides they don’t want what you are cooking. They want pizza. You tell them no and it escalates. Suddenly, your child is slapping themselves, screaming, possibly throwing things, and causing an incredibly stressful situation. Now imagine this in the middle of a public place with people’s judging eyes on you. Fits in autism are all-too-common issues for parents of autistic kids.
Yes, all children throw fits. Fits in autistic kids are often very frequent and they can cause self-harm or harm to others. They also may have them well into their teens or further. I can’t tell you exactly how to calm an autistic child because every child responds differently. Even my two boys respond differently. I can let you know what seems to help for my boys.
I’ll start with Elijah, my twelve-year-old. He is more prone to fits then Isaiah, my eight-year-old. When Elijah is starting to get worked up, I can typically pull him to the side and calm him by squeezing his arms and hands. He also likes big bear hugs. What happens next depends on the source of the fit. If it’s related to him not getting his way, I can usually go over the schedule with him and let him know when he will get the thing he wants. If it’s something he’s not going to get, I have to redirect him on something else. Sometimes it’s his Disney DVDs, sometimes it’s a piece of candy, sometimes it’s something else. If the fit is sensory related, for instance if his brother is being loud, I can simply remove him from the situation. If Elijah’s in full fit mode, it becomes an issue of duration. He’s had fits that went 45 minutes plus in the past. Those numbers have come way down over time. If he’s in full fit mode, I isolate him, make sure he and his surroundings are safe and I leave him. Yep, I put him in his room to calm himself. If I stay in there and try to give him hugs and squeezes, he continues his fit longer then if I stay and try to help. It’s tough to watch and listen to, but him getting better and better at calming himself is crucial to decreasing fit frequency and duration.
For Isaiah, his fits are rarer but can be brutal as he has the loudest high pitch scream you’ve ever heard. Think Mariah Carey singing her highest notes on full volume. This will typically cause his brother Elijah to start getting worked up. When Isaiah starts in, I immediately take him to a location where it’s just him and I. He doesn’t like the squeezes as much as his brother, but he does like to be comforted. Like Elijah, what I do next depends on the source of the fit. If it’s something I can fix, I do. If not, I redirect his attention. If all else fails, I ride out the storm with him. He calms faster when I’m there comforting then if he’s alone. The opposite of Elijah. Remember, fits in autistic kids are common and each kid is unique so calming your child may require something different.
I wish I had the secret on how to stop fits in autistic kids. I would share it with you, but in reality there is no secret. Try to understand what caused the fit and if it can be resolved. If not, redirect. If that doesn’t work, you may have to ride it out. I promise it ends. You’re a good parent and it’s not your fault this is happening. Remember, you can’t discipline the autism out of your child. I promise, many people will tell you to spank your child when they throw a fit or punish them in some other way. The reality is, while negative reinforcement may work for some people, it’s been shown time and time again in autistic children to not be as effective as positive reinforcement. Their brains are wired differently. If you spank them, they may not have any idea why and you’ve just modeled that behavior for them. The fit is traumatic for them in that moment so breathe and remember it will pass. I’ll address fits in the car and in public in future posts as those are different animals. If you have any tips on helping stop fits in autistic children, leave a comment.